Relax to receive
Why is relaxation important when it comes to sexual function?
It has been said that “we must relax in order to receive”.
I don’t know who said it, but after doing some research it seems legit. Allow me to explain. When in a state of stress, the mind is on high alert and on the lookout for threats. When we are relaxed, adrenaline and cortisol (aka the stress hormones) are lower, the heart rate decreases, meaning less energy depletion and secondary functions such as digestion, skin health and immune function kick in. When stress is aroused we look outside of ourselves, when relaxed, we can be present with what is happening in our own mind, body and spirit. Being calm means more of the body’s Swiss Army knife of helpful functions become available to us. Both erections, and lubrication of the vulva are supported when we are activating the rest and digest branch of the nervous system.
I know someone is going to read this and say, "Yeah I know…but you try relaxing when you're coming off night shift to a messy house or no money for bills". And hey, if that's your reality, then practising relaxation may be more difficult. But if you’re at your wits end and you've made it this far through the book, I challenge you to see how far you can really go with it. Relaxation is an umbrella term that means different things to different people. For example, relaxation could mean pushing all of the laundry into the spare room and out of sight. Or, stopping at a scenic spot for five minutes on your way home from work. All I am saying is, it doesn’t matter what you do to relax, as long as you do something…and nobody's getting hurt.
The capitalist mindset means that we have become so horny for productivity. But, what some of us fail to realise is that practising relaxation is productive! Not only for healing and optimal health, but also for pleasure (and let's not forget; health is wealth). The benefits of relaxation include an increase in sexual desire, a healthy gut, healthy relationships, and job retention (Basson & Brotto, 2014). So experiment to find what relaxation looks like for you, and do it whenever you get the opportunity.
It doesn't need to be sitting down with your legs crossed, meditating. It could be walking on the grass in bare feet, stroking a cat and listening to the sounds. It could be watching a baby sleep, giving yourself a massage or receiving scratchies down the back from someone you trust. As long as you are directing your attention to the present moment and enjoying a pleasant sensation, you are practising relaxation.
Recognise that you're a human being who feels big emotions, and that you have the ability to feel multiple things at the same time. It is possible to be stressed and have great sex. Have sex with people who understand that big emotions are common when pursuing the vulnerable act of making love. Use products like lube and sexual wellness toys to support sexual function if stress is hindering your sexual function (I.e. stuntin arousal or natural lubrication). None of us can eliminate stress. The world is stressful. Stress is helpful in many ways. But, when it comes to feeling pleasure, it is relaxation that carries the key to the pearly gates of pleasure.
The following poem reiterates the idea that it is not about dispelling emotions but rather welcoming them all with no resistance. Enjoy!
The guest house
Rumi, translated by Coleman Barks
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
Still, treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
